Terminating

Introduction

This is going to be a very difficult post to write. I continue in my role as curriculum developer for Griffith University and their online midwifery course. We are currently developing a subject around termination of pregnancy. I want the student midwives to develop an understanding of what it is like to terminate a pregnancy from the woman's point of view and so I turned to looking for blog posts on the subject. The difficulty is that most blog posts on the subject contain some sort of religious or political slant. So with a deep, deep breath I have decided to drawn on my own experience.

Deep dark secret

I have no idea who truly reads this blog. I have had some surprises but I have always thought of it being on the quiet side in comparison to most and I must admit I probably won't be publicizing this post. That is because abortion brings out some very judgemental opinions from people and of course some people who read this blog will form a judgement and never read it again. I may even get some hateful comments, I hope not but I must be prepared. It is the risk of these judgemental comments that mean many women who have an abortion will keep it as their own deep dark secret to be carried around, occasionally thought about when brought up in real life but mostly shelved compartmentalised in a little cardboard box of life's experiences. It is estimated that as many as 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in their lifetime (RANZCOG, 2005).

My life

My life has been very complex. I have made some very difficult decisions, some good, some bad but I always accept responsibility and move on. There is no point in mulling over things which have occurred holding yourself there, letting it affect the rest of your life. So, with this in mind I will describe my experience of terminating  my pregnancy.

Circumstances

It was 17 years ago and I remember the events very clearly. I was in a supposed loving relationship, we were living together at the time in our new house on a financial knife edge. I had just qualified as a midwife and I needed to be interviewed for a job. Jobs were precious in the area where I trained as new midwives were qualifying every 8 weeks. I was also 8 months away from the big white fairytale wedding which had been already partially paid for and my dress was being fitted. My partner was the 'boss' in our relationship he decided when and where we did things and how our money was spent. He controlled our finances at that time to the point at which I began to loathe and dread the analytic, inquisitional pouring over the weekly bank statements. I was not privy to how much of our finances worked and even though I denied it at the time, I was 'controlled'. My ex husband would deny this because he had no insight into his behaviour but I was in the wrong relationship.

A positive pregnancy test

I needed a job, the pregnancy was not planned and as such it wasn't 'allowed'. I cried in the bathroom, came out and told my partner he immediately reacted in the way I anticipated. This wasn't planned so this wasn't allowed I would be terminating wouldn't I? I won't blame him. I was gutted. I wanted my big wedding. I wanted my midwife post. I wasn't ready for this. How would I tell my parents? How could I disappoint everyone? I continued to cry I am sure partly because of all the reasons I just gave above but partly as well because of what I was about to arrange. My partner rang the private Manchester Clinic but they would obviously only talk to me, I had to make the appointment. Tearfully the appointment was made.

Clinic Appointment

The clinic was situated in a suburb of Manchester. I felt like I needed a cloak over my head as I entered. Was everyone watching from the neighbouring houses? Maybe it would have been easier to enter the property under cover of darkness. I filled out the paperwork in the waiting room knowing that everyone else in the waiting room was there for the same reason. I remember vividly one young girl trying tearfully to fill in her paperwork, three times she walked out of the clinic claiming she couldn't do it until eventually a car drew up to the door and she was whisked away tyres squealing and boom box music pounding, vibrating down the driveway.
I was seen and questioned by two doctors which obviously fulfills the clinics legal responsibility that every woman is assessed as the reason for terminating my pregnancy was due to the pregnancy affecting my mental health.
I decided to opt for the overnight stay because if I was to have a day stay then my GP would need to be informed as he would need to provide care in the event of an emergency following the procedure.

The Day of the Procedure

I was admitted to the 'ward' The ward was full, I think around 8 beds. We were all prep'd for theatre. We didn't really look at each other or speak to each other. There was a blond girl next to me but there was also a girl who kept her bedside curtains closed during the whole stay. She was sobbing during the whole stay. She sobbed going to theatre, sobbed as she woke up from the anaesthetic and she sobbed all night until she was discharged the following day. That was the most difficult thing to listen too but we were all feeling a heavy weight of decision making. I thought constantly about my life and how this was something I would now need to live with for the rest of my life but I had nowhere to go and no one to call unless I went through with it. I felt trapped and now I had signed the forms I had no choice but to go through with it. Was this all my decision? Probably not but my life was all tied up with my husband to be, a mortgage that needed to be paid, a job I needed to have, I couldn't see any other way but swallow my doubts and go through with it.

I recall being taken to theatre and I recall going under the anaesthetic as if it were yesterday not 17yrs ago. I woke up from the anaesthetic remembering two staff trying to transfer me from a wheelchair onto a bed. I was probably 100kg at the time, I recall my bottom getting stuck in the wheelchair and the staff not being amused as I suffered the indignity of the transfer to the bed. The rest of the afternoon was a haze as I never cope with anaesthetic all that well. Every time I sat up I vomited. We were told to get ourselves to the dinning room at meal time. I tried but I vomited on the way. Gradually through the evening I began to recover and the rest of us began to talk to each other as we were joined in our sympathy for the girl from behind the curtains who couldn't stop sobbing. We were all suffering abdominal cramps but none of us dared ask for pain killers. None of us actually discussed why we were there either and carefully developed a fragile friendship without really sharing much.

Feeling Empty

I woke up the following morning and found myself feeling very sad. I clutched my stomach and suddenly felt very empty, like something was ripped from me. I once again swallowed these feelings and felt it was a justifiable punishment for what I had done. Little did I know that my actual punishment was to come. Prior to discharge the Dr and the nurse in charge do a ward round. They stood cold and hard at the end of your bed and I quote,

"We terminated your baby yesterday by sucking it out of your womb. Your baby was 7wks and is in a suction pot in our theatre. You are no longer pregnant. We suggest that if you are not going to return here you make suitable decisions and keep your legs together."

When the girl from behind the curtains was delivered of this speech we all took a collective deep breath as a howl of pure pain and emotion came from behind them.

I decided I had to take it on the chin. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they had hurt me it was obviously what I deserved.

I was collected by my partner at the time and rewarded with huge bars of chocloate and the words, "well done".

Well done wasn't quite what I was feeling but it was no good expressing how I felt because I didn't really know, I couldn't describe it. I felt guilt, shame and horror at what had gone on all wrapped up in some relief as well.

The next few weeks and months were hard. There were times I wanted to scream at everyone, "Have you any idea what I have been through?" But of course I couldn't. I couldn't because I was not to tell anyone it was a very bad thing I had done. Society demonises it. Politically, abortion is used to score votes from the conservative, pro life lobby. Feminists brandish it as a right for women to have choice over what happens in their own bodies. Some American states say it is harmful to the woman's psychological health to undergo the procedure and so it is illegal. Some very opnionated women state that if a woman is affected long term then she mustn't have really wanted it in the first place.

I carry a wound, I am not psychologically 'damaged' but I made a decision which I live with everyday. I stand by that decision, placed back in the same circumstances I cannot say that I would have made any other choice.

Today of course because I am married to a better person and I am in the right relationship I would never consider making the same choice. Thankfully things are different now.

Reference

RANZCOG. (2005). Termination of pregnancy, A resource for health professionals. Melbourne, Australia: The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists.